My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
They got a point!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok