him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
no their not
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.