Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Brb my Sims are getting married
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Not even remotely sorry.