I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.