I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m sorry…what?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My wedding will be open casket.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Google Pay be like:
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.