Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
How times have changed.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on