@blondecalamity

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

@blondecalamity

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

@blondecalamity

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

@blondecalamity

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

@blondecalamity

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

@blondecalamity

Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!

@blondecalamity

A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*