Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
no their not
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show