I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
#SaturdayBears
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”