[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!