My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili