Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Nice try, poison.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Dance like you’re not the father
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor