Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin