My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.
Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.
If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they’d test me for steroids.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.