@bngzyface

You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@bngzyface

[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.

@bngzyface

I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.

@bngzyface

[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.

@bngzyface

[At the gym]

Me: *sits in a chair by the treadmills with a bowl of popcorn and cheers for people*