Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You Might Also Like
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice