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Page of bngzyface's best tweets

@bngzyface : [Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

@bngzyface: *brushing crumbs onto floor*

Me: C’mere, Roomba. Here’s some snacks.

@bngzyface: I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.

@bngzyface: [At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.

@bngzyface: *First day as therapist*

Me: Stop that.

@bngzyface: [Cooking class]

Teacher: Please stop spooning me, that’s not what I meant.

@bngzyface: Saddest phrase: Hollow chocolate bunny

@bngzyface: IKEA is short for I Kan’t Even Anymore.

@bngzyface: *Adds “blow dried my hair” into myfitnesspal*

@bngzyface: Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.