Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.