@bobby

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

@bobby

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

@bobby

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

@bobby

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

@bobby

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars