My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Finally
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I want what they have
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.