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Page of bobvulfov's best tweets

@bobvulfov : [stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

@bobvulfov: flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

@bobvulfov: KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody's ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u've got more spanish to learn. u'll die when i say u can die

@bobvulfov: doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn't come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

@bobvulfov: me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

@bobvulfov: [mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

@bobvulfov: me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

@bobvulfov: chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

@bobvulfov: ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

@bobvulfov: when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they'll know about the wedding but won't be allowed to go