Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.