It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.