“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.