Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!