God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.