Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player