@bombsydoll

dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.

@bombsydoll

guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’

@bombsydoll

girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her

@bombsydoll

Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.

@bombsydoll

“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

@bombsydoll

[at dentist office]

Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

@bombsydoll

*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want

@bombsydoll

What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything

@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids