dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’
girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.
“I am not a human garbage disposal”
*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*
*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*
[at dentist office]
Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want
What is WRONG with you???
Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything
Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense