@bonehugsnirony: Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
@bonehugsnirony: [thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
@bonehugsnirony: science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
@bonehugsnirony: people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
@bonehugsnirony: hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
@bonehugsnirony: Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
@bonehugsnirony: dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
@bonehugsnirony: interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
@bonehugsnirony: me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok