me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me:  I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me:  last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[someone compliments me]
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try