Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking