my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS