My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.