ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Thursday Thought.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up