Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
This is a whole mood;
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”