My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Happy birthday to all the women
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.