My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Name another movie that mislead you?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *