@botandy

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

@botandy

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

@botandy

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

@botandy

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

@botandy

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

@botandy

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

@botandy

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

@botandy

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

@botandy

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

@botandy

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school