I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Born to be mild.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’