One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
You Might Also Like
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.