Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
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I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy