@bourgeoisalien: Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you're hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
@bourgeoisalien: Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
@bourgeoisalien: [overheard in my son's room]
His friend: You're Greek. Do Greeks have a 4th of July?
My son: Yes. We also have a 3rd and 5th of July.
@bourgeoisalien: In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year's eve, throat punch them instead. let's send a clear message to 2018 we're done taking this shit
@bourgeoisalien: stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?
me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby's
@bourgeoisalien: I'm sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
@bourgeoisalien: probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices
@bourgeoisalien: cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder