this is why Twitter was created
THEM: what a lovely Thanksgiving. did u enjoy urself
serious thanksgiving question: when a family member’s telling a tragic story and everyone’s crying, how long should i wait before taking a bite of my pie?
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
[overheard in my son’s room]
His friend: You’re Greek. Do Greeks have a 4th of July?
My son: Yes. We also have a 3rd and 5th of July.
In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit
stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?
me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s
I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.