Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
This classic never gets old . . .
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
the composer
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets