I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Anime is real
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia