[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over