If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Fidel Castro was alive?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*