i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Best spoiler warning ever
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.