fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Cinematography is my passion
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
This one’s “Alex”.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”