Noah was an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*me flirting
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The three genders
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm