Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
mood
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.