Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
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My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’m confused about plants
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one