If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Help Wanted
Don’t talk down to me
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long