BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
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Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
North and South
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.